BUT C4NDY 4PPL3S 4R3 MY F4VOURIT3
by ThinkingCAPSLOCK
Summary: Why bother with the hemospectrum when you can live with a carnival every day? The red chalk is obviously the best.


**BUT C4NDY 4PPL3S 4R3 MY F4VOUR1T3!**

"Hey, Karkat, is this you?"

"Fuck, Terezi, no that is fucking not me. How could you even think that's me? That is a goddamn fucking shitty pupa cartoon of a disgustingly inaccurate red Earth rhino. How the fuck could you think that it was me?"

"Because it tastes like candy apples."

"Fuck, Terezi, how many times have I told you to stop comparing me to gogdamn fucking candy apples. It's a shitty comparison and pretty fucking insulting if you ask me, saying I smell like cheap shitty carnival foods made for wrigglers."

"You said you liked carnivals."

"No. I fucking hate them. I fucking hate everything."

"Hehehe."

Terezi leaned back in her chair, taking a break from licking the screen of her computer. The action had been pretty intense for a while, but Dave was off doing stupid things that she didn't need to bother with for now. She supposed she could skip ahead in the timeline, but she was tired and wanted to relax. And for Terezi, relaxing was composed entirely of pissing off Karkat.

Not that it was hard.

"Are you talking to that shitface bulgeburglar again? Fuck, Terezi, I told you to stop that. He is a douchebag. He is a douchebag that wears douchey suits and douchey tinted glasses like the douchey douche he is."

"Past you said to troll him, so that is what I am doing," Terezi replied innocently. She was laughing something horrific on the inside, but Karkat didn't need to know that. There were a lot of things Karkat didn't need to know. It was way more fun like this.

"Fuck, Terezi, past me is a fucking idiot, you know that. He is where the foulest wastebugs of Alternia go to die. And those aren't happy deaths, either, they're fucking awful. Just the awfullest deaths you could imagine."

"Don't get your tiny horns in a knot, Karkat. I've stopped talking to him," Terezi said. She neglected to add the _for now_. There was no point adding it right now. He'd find out later, and he would be pissed. So pissed. It would be hilarious.

"Like your piddly-ass horns are any better!"

"At least mine are pointy. Hehehe."

"Fuck, Terezi, when it's not candy apples with you, it's my horns, isn't it? Fuck. Thanks for reminding me."

"They are nice and smooth. Hehehe."

"For fuck's sake, horn size doesn't matter, it's how well you gore your enemies to death on them that does."

"Is it very hard stabbing people with spheres, Karkat? Hehehe."

"Fuck, Terezi, do you know what? _Smooth horns are fucking better._ When you stab someone with something pointy, they say fucking ow. Try killing someone with a spoon next time, see how that works. Do you know how it fucking works? Well, it's worse, _but it hurts your enemies a lot more._"

"I am not Vriska, I don't want to maim my enemies. I want to play with them. Hehehe."

"Fuck, Terezi, you are one hell of a batshit sadist, aren't you?"

"Karkat, that is rude."

"Sorry, I got carried away. Fuck. I'm sorry. I'm just—I'm just really frustrated with you always talking about fucking candy apples."

"But candy apples are my favourite."

"I—I know that, fuck, you say it like every day. That doesn't make it any easier, you know. And it makes it pretty obvious to everyone else, too. I don't want that shit. I want to—I want to tell them myself, okay? Would you just let me fucking get to it on my own time?"

"Sure, Karkat. I will follow your leadertroll instructions." Terezi nodded. Inside, she was grinning ear to ear. Karkat probably didn't notice, but she kept the crimson remarks to herself until they were alone. She would borrow from her vast array of other playful stabs and jabs, those that weren't related to the hemospectrum. But Karkat would probably never notice, so he continued to get worked up and worried whenever she said it out loud.

That was one of the reasons she liked him so much. Terezi grinned.

"What? What are you smiling about? What horrible, horrible thoughts are you thinking? Are you making fun of me? Fuck, yes, Terezi, sure. I am the king of idiots, yes, I know. I fucking know. I argue with past and future me like an asshole like I'm trying to start a gogdamn blackrom with myself, which, to be honest, I probably am. I am just that much of a failure."

"You are not a failure. You are our leader."

"Yeah, I'm just a fucking fantastic leader, aren't I? I've up and got just about everyone killed, haven't I? Fucking fabulous. I deserve a fucking medal for all the amazing things I have done. Fuck."

Terezi shrugged. "We are trolls. We kill each other. To be honest, I am very surprised we lasted so long like this. That was very impressive."

"Yeah, it's so fucking impressive, thanks for all your confidence by the way. Really fucking inspiring. I'm glad someone like you has my back, what with all the insults and sarcasm. Fuck."

Terezi spun her chair around. She liked the spinny chairs. They whipped the colours around until she thought she was going to pass out from the smell of the delectable smorgasbord the whirling hues presented. "I wasn't being sarcastic, dumpass. Mostly. I really am impressed you managed to get us to work as a team for so long. We haven't even been killed yet."

"Fuck, yeah. _Yet_. Thanks. That's really great. I can't believe—fuck, stop that, you're making me dizzy just looking at you." Karkat sprang to his feet and stomped over, grabbing the chair and holding it still. Terezi slumped against his arm.

"Wow. Everything smells like candy apples. This is great," she said (though rather deliriously).

"Fuck. Thanks. Thanks for reminding me. Yes, I am a fucking freak. This is great. Are you going to lick me next? And then tell me how I also _taste_ like candy apples? And how my horns taste like candy corn? Or my hair tastes like, I don't know, goddamn gummy trolls?"

"Your hair smells like liquorice," Terezi replied, her thinkpan evening out again.

"Fucking fantastic. Any more carnival foods you're missing? Maybe try some fucking cotton candy?"

"Well, whenever you get really excited and you're yelling, you make these funny little squeaky noises."

"Fuck—fuck—_fuck I do not do that and how the hell did you know?_"

"Hehehe of course I know. It's not exactly hidden. You are not a ninja of secrets, Karkat."

"Fuck, don't ever mention that again. It never happened, okay? I don't make squeaking noises. See? I'm not swearing. Yet. Fuck. Just don't mention it again."

"Whatever you say, Karkat. Anyway, whenever you make them I smell cotton candy and it's delicious."

"Fuck, no, there is no cotton candy smell, okay? It doesn't exist. You're imagining it."

"I am pretty sure my nose doesn't lie to me, Karkat."

"Fuck. No. Are you enjoying this? Are you fucking enjoying this? Do you like seeing me shout and yell and make a fucking fool of myself?"

"Yes, it is amusing."

"Great. I'm glad you think my feelings are so fucking hilarious. Fuck. Gogdammit." Karkat abruptly wrenched his arms from the chair and stamped back to his own seat. Terezi slipped for a moment but quickly regained balance.

"Hey, Karkat?" she said after a while.

"What? What the fuck do you want now? I swear to Gog, Terezi, if it's something stupid, I will take your favourite chalk and destroy it."

"No, don't do that! I love the red. It is the best! It is delicious."

"I know, you go on and on and on about it. That's why it works as a fucking threat. I am threatening you. Maybe those are the only things that will make it through your fucking filter."

"Well, thankfully I have hidden it where smartasses like you can't ever find it."

"Fuck."

There was silence again.

"Hey, Karkat. The red chalk is my favourite."

"I fucking know that. It tastes like gogdamn shitty candy apples, right? Fuck. I fucking know. Stop fucking telling me, you've said it a million fucking times and that is the _minimum_ guess."

"No, Karkat. You don't understand."

"What do you want from me? I am not going to eat chalk with you. Fuck."

"I like the red because it is sweet—"

"Yeah, like fucking candy apples. Great. Fantastic. Thanks for fucking sharing."

"Shut up. The red chalk is my favourite because it is sweet and angry and grumpy and kind of a dumbass."

"Shit. You're talking about me, aren't you? Is that what you're doing? Are you comparing me to your stupid chalk? Thanks, but I don't need your stupid redrom idiocy to cheer me the fuck up."

Terezi grinned. "But Karkat…candy apples are my favourite."

[carcinoGeneticist has begun trolling gallowsCalibrator]

CG: SORRY ABOUT BEFORE

CG: PAST ME IS A DOUCHEFUCK ASSBAG

CG: BUT I GUESS YOU KNEW THAT

CG: ANYWAY, I GUESS I'M TRYING TO SAY

CG: FUCK, WHAT AM I TRYING TO SAY?

CG: WHY DID I COME ON HERE IN THE FIRST PLACE?

CG: FOR FUCK'S SAKE, YOU'RE SITTING RIGHT THE FUCK NEXT TO ME

CG: FUCK THIS, I'M AN IDIOT

[gallowsCalibrator has begun trolling cacinoGeneticist]

GC: H3H3H3

CG: WHAT?

CG: YOU'RE HERE? THANKS FOR FUCKING SAYING SO.

CG: NO, SORRY. I DON'T MEAN THAT. WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY IS

CG: UGH THIS IS STUPID

CG: JUST FORGET I SAID ANYTHING

[carcinoGeneticist has ceased trolling gallowsCalibrator]

[carcinoGeneticist has begun trolling gallowsCalibrator]

CG: 3

[carcinoGeneticist has ceased trolling gallowsCalibrator]

GC: 3

[gallowsCalibrator has ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist]


End file.
